The darkness whispers

The Lost Weekend

Well I thought the blind date went well. We laughed and talked. Hes a great kisser, yum! He surprised me on multiple occasions with kisses throughout the evening. It was a brief encounter as we couldn't meet until really late. He kissed  me goodnight, a hint of his Dominance in the moment. I was happily on my way home when he called me to talk to me on the drive home. We agreed we wanted to see each other again and he said he'd call over the weekend. Unfortunately he didn't... nor did he respond to my text this evening. That's disappointing but, I'm not going to read too much into it.

A few events happened to make the Lost Weekend occur. I'm a klutz and fell, which led to bruising on my ankles and knee. The soreness in turn caused me to leave work early Friday, which I very well may get into trouble for. The body pain wasn't enough, oh no, my brain decided to join in with a lovely migraine. This brings us to the point of me sleeping until about 7pm Saturday night. I lost an entire day! Then I got a call from C saying he couldn't make it, which honestly at that point I didn't care. I was still groggy and hadn't eaten in 24 hours. It was probably a blessing he couldn't make it because I would have still tried to go through with the session even ill. Instead I treated myself to a my favorite deli meats, drinks and cherry pie :)! I felt like splurging. Then I stayed up all night watching Supernatural. Netflix FINALLY got it.

I stayed up all through Sunday, cleaning my apartment. Organizing and feeling much better about my environment. Sometimes a clean and organized space makes the clutter in your mind disappear. Mom stopped over for a surprise and took me out to get my nails done. That was fun, even if I was like a zombie at that point. Got home around 5pm and crashed until 10pm, completely missing the Superbowl. Nice job! Which means I also missed the super bowl party, disappointing.


Welcome to my Lost Weekend.

Tomorrow I wouldn't be shocked if I'm let go from my job. Its apparent my boss dislikes me and I'm not sure how long I'll be around. I've been doing my best to find a second job, just in case. Oh well, one day at a time.

Blind

I have a blind date tomorrow. I'm not sure how it's going to turn out. We share a mutual friend, a kink friend. However C, isn't all that kinky. I'm pretty sure he's just looking for sex though he says he's open to more but sex is definitely what he wants. We've traded pics, but I'm still scared he's going to run screaming in the opposite direction. It will definitely either be very successful or bomb completely. I'm anxious, and can't sleep. Stupid energy drink.

On a side note, I have a play date scheduled for Saturday. If he cancels I'm going to be really pissed off. We are going to dinner to discuss a really rough forced submission session. I've been craving being used for quite sometime. There are very few I trust to do this kind of session with. Beyond limits, I'm mainly interested in discussing the before and after care. I've been with him many times before so he reads me well. I need to cry and scream and fight. He'll let me do that. I'm excited! I can't wait for Saturday.

Thought of the Day

Thursday Blues

I think the comment I get the most from people is how innocent I look. Even at work, yesterday, an employee said "you look so innocent today!". The amount of times a Dominant tells me that he thinks hes "too Sadistic for me" or "too dark for me" makes me want to slam my head against a wall. The reality is, they don't know me well enough to judge that. Most are often shocked to discover my wants, needs and desires once they take the time to ask. While I enjoy the fact that I still often look 18 and I'm approaching twice that age, its very frustrating to be judged solely on how you look. Then again I don't fit in anywhere. I don't fit in with the local D/s community because most of its members are poly or enjoy casual play. I do not wish to engage in either. While I'm not closed minded to poly, its not something I seek out. Not being poly (and being single) in this community is the most frustrating thing I've dealt with in a long time. Also, I don't "scene" casually, and I use the word "scene" because I don't know how else to describe what they do. While they still get the release and enjoyment that I would from submitting to my Dominant, their "scene" lacks the connection that I seek. Its as if its merely a physical thing for them, that's like having a one night stand. I don't like the word scene because it makes me feel like its an act or play, and while role-play can be involved that's not what I feel like I'm doing. Everything just seems so lackluster these days. In the vanilla world I'm seen as a freak, in the BDSM world I'm a prude. It seems as if nothing works for me. I get lost in the melancholy of it all lately.

Thought of the Day

Submission

I haven’t always wanted to serve. I
haven’t even known what being a submissive is for very long in
comparison to many. There’s no magical connection or story where
the light went off and I said “I’m a submissive; my whole life
makes sense now.” I’ve heard those stories, I know they happen to
many. For me it was a much more subtle dawning. I don’t remember
the exact moments of how I came to be wondering around the halls of
chat BDSM rooms. All I know is the more I started following the path
of D/s, I felt more and more at home. Everything started to fall into
place inside myself. Outside my world didn’t match who I was
becoming. 

I started the way many people start,
with the internet. I begin chatting and becoming obsessed with
learning and watching and seeing the thoughts and fantasies of people
online. I still didn’t know that this was acceptable behavior in
the “real world”. I begin to learn variables and differences,
protocols, greetings, terms, and my mind started to expand. I became
obsessed. I spent all my time on the internet chatting with these
individuals who understood me so well. Since then I’ve grown,
learned, succeeded and failed in this lifestyle. 

As far as what I get out of being a submissive, that's easy. It keeps me balanced. The pain that I can get from a canning or spanking can center me and help me release built up tension and stress. The pain makes me cry and let go and it can often be like a reset button. Now, once that reset button is push, the pain then becomes erotic to me. The act of submitting is erotic to me. Kneeling in front of my Dom and being at his will and mercy makes my body quake in anticipation. There is also the craving for forced submission. Forced submission is what makes it all OK for me. I have some very dark desires, things that my family would probably die if they ever knew about. I know this and these desires cause me shame. I feel shame and wrong for having them, yet I still need them. If I asked for them on my own, the guilt for doing those acts would eat me up. I'd feel tarnished. Forced submission absolves me of my guilt. I'm not given a choice. I have to do this to please my Dominant. The choice is taken from me and I'm able to actually "enjoy" the act that is taking place. I'm able to let go.